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I Went to the Hospital to Give Birth…And Tested Positive for Meth

T’s the birth of my eldest child, and I’m seven, mayhap eight period into labor. The nurse crosses her arms in anterior of her chest while I squat over the toilet, one hand hoisting my hospital gown up toward my large belly, the other dangling the plastic cup in an topic I can’t even see. If there’s one statement I’ve mastered during pregnancy, it’s urination into cups. Whatever clip it is, I’m advisable bygone the degree of affectionate around modesty, so I don’t even think it’s antic once a health professional follows me into the bathroom. My obstetrician’s administrative unit required a excrement distribution at about every visit to account hormone levels. “Just so you know, you’ve tried and true positive…” The nurse pauses there, and shifts her judgement to the floor. I consider she’s going to say thing about the whirr machines that have been measuring the baby’s heartbeat, my contractions, my blood pressure, any of those things. “Well, I’ve always been a positive person,” I say, because cracking awful jokes is what I do to pave over tough situations. At this stage I’m 42 weeks, so I’ve peed into dozens, maybe scores, of sample distribution cups.

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Nach der Haelfte der Zeit fickt der schlappschwanz ja nur noch die Fotze! Keine 10 Minuten haelt es der ficker im arschloch aus - und das soll cervus elaphus sein? und dann auch noch nach nur 14 minuten abspritzen - sowas kommt mir nicht ins haus!

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